One of my little resolutions for 2014, silly as it may be, is to watch at least one movie I haven’t seen before every week and write about it. Weekly blog posts about one movie are a little silly or obnoxious I feel, but a monthly thing is much more reasonable. I watched six movies in January, and yes, I know the month isn't over yet, shut up. Here they are:
Riki-Oh: The Story of Ricky (1991) - An infamous one, I think I first heard of/read about this online when I was back in high school on one of those websites like Stomp Tokyo or the Bad Movie Report. Having finally sat down to watch it on Netflix, I have two thoughts about it. First, I think over all those years of reading people talking about it online, the movie was hyped up a little too much for me, so I was a bit let down in the end. Second, I must really be turning into an old softy because this movie really grossed me out. Especially the warden guy with the false eye full of mints. All that super-cheap gore that 5 years ago I don’t think I would have even blinked at and now it kind of repulses me? Weird. Also, I totally didn't realize this was made in 91, I thought it was earlier.
Monty Python’s the Meaning of Life (1983) - I had this tendency where if Monty Python was ever brought up in conversation I’d be enthusiastic and say I love it, then turn around and watch an episode and just be put off. I remember back in high school when the Holy Grail mysteriously became popular and everyone was quoting it, and I’d quote right along and then when I actually watched an old VHS copy I was, yep, not into it at all. Life of Brian? Same thing. So I don’t know what I was expecting with the Meaning of Life. I like the opening song, but again, I was just too frequently grossed out and then concerned for myself about being grossed out. I just…I don’t find men dressed as women all that funny anymore, you know? I guess Python just really isn't my thing. Also, the restaurant scene? Didn’t they just straight up rip that off for the commercial for Yoshi’s Island? I should look into that. I remember that commercial terrifying me as a child.
Universal Soldier: Day of Reckoning (2012) - There were a number of people going on about how this was the best action movie of the year when it came out, and others praising it for how weird it was, making frequent comparisons to David Lynch. Despite knowing little to nothing about the Universal Soldier movies, I was definitely interested. I was not let down at all. It’s such a strange, brutal thing, more of a horror movie than an action movie. The music and cinematography make your stomach churn well before the violence does, beautifully so. The action is shot extraordinarily well, better than anything I’ve seen in theaters recently, and the weird Philip K. Dick plot involving shady government agents, clones, and false memories just hits all the right notes for me. So damn good. The world needs more movies like this one.
Universal Soldier: Regeneration (2009) - This and Day of Reckoning were both directed by John Hyams, and between them both I’m now a big fan of his. This one is tied more to the previous Universal Soldier movies than Day of Reckoning was, but you can still follow it easily without having seen the other two. Shot largely in an industrial part of Bulgaria, once again with great action sequences and sickening electronic music. Whereas the sequel is about the UniSols having free will (or at least the illusion of such), Regeneration is all about how they’re not much more than human killing machines designed specifically for the purpose of murder. The fight between Jean-Claude Van Damme and Dolph Lundgren is incredible, and Andrei Arlovski in this and Day of Reckoning is like a cross between the Terminator and Michael Myers. These movies are simply way better than you'd expect and deserve more attention. I can’t wait to see what Hyams does next.
The Telephone Book (1971) – Possibly the raunchiest movie I’ve ever watched. A young, horny girl receives an obscene phone call from a man with one hell of a voice (“I’d like to talk to you today about your amazing tits”) and immediately falls in love. Told his name is John Smith, she begins searching through the phonebook, calling every John Smith she can find, running into all the wrong perverts. Occasionally the movie cuts to interviews with former obscene callers talking about their experience. It’s weird, it’s depraved, it’s kind of hilarious. The animated sequence at the end of the movie is the most bizarre, filthy thing I’ve ever witnessed that wasn’t um, actual animated porn. Aside from a monologue that goes on way too long, this is a really entertaining descent into debauchery.
The Whole Nine Yards (2000) - My girlfriend says that Matthew Perry in this movie is basically me: awkwardly terrified of everything, always uncomfortable. She may be right. Also, Bruce Willis and Michael Clark Duncan, I just love those guys. I felt more like I was watching a Tex Avery cartoon than a live action movie, with its screwy plot of everyone trying to kill each other, awkward late 90’s fashion, overabundance of flies, that newspaper headline montage that plays in Perry’s head when he recognizes Willis, and Amanda Peet’s gratuitous nudity. Quite a lot of fun, this movie.
Next month? Who knows. I did get a cheap DVD copy of Pain and Gain which I'm looking forward to, so there's that.