I’m a scatterbrained dweeb who has a little trouble keeping focused or maintaining motivation, and I am easily overwhelmed and knocked off of my axis at the drop of a hat. This year has been especially challenging, between the world being on fire, the news being awful, and so many of my friends living in a constant state somewhere between despair and terror. My jaw surgery REALLY threw things off. And then...I have things I’ve completed, Debris Field, the Entropy paintings, my comic with Danny Djeljosevic, year six of Inktober, but I don’t feel very accomplished about them? Doing so poorly at two of the three shows I’ve attended isn’t helping. I’m just...in an art funk right now, I guess, my first in some time.

I feel like a nervous ball of energy all the time, or like an exposed nerve, and art isn’t doing much for me lately. So...I’ve been trying, TRYING, to focus more on myself? Or on how I’m living, maintaining in this world where everything is chaotic and awful and everyone is struggling to keep it together? Because I don’t really know what else to do. Because I don’t want to be one of those people who posts edgy memes about wanting to die all time, or who pisses on other people’s joy, or anything like that.

I’ve had this picture saved for some years now, taken by Roland and Sabrina Michaud in 1993. It’s a Jainist monk at the foot of a statue of Bahubali in Shravanabelagola, Karnataka, where a festival called Mahamastakabhisheka is held. Jainism is an ancient Indian religion which you can read about on Wikipedia. The ascetic monks, like the one pictured, forego almost all possessions, including clothes and property. I didn’t really know any of this until a couple months ago, because I had the picture saved for years without any sense of context. It’s just an image I found on Tumblr and latched onto, something I would frequently look at and think, “yes, that, I want THAT.”

...I don’t really know what “THAT” is. I’m not especially religious or spiritual, but that kind of discipline that you see or read about with monks of different religions has a sort of appeal. David Brothers talked about that discipline a few times in his wonderful newsletter, me + you. He referred to it half-jokingly as #monklife: exercising, not drinking, not binge watching (I like that rule a lot), stuff like that. So I think about that. I also think about the act of caring for something much larger than yourself, something that you have no need to hide anything from, finding comfort in vulnerability. Which is a different thing from discipline, though the latter can help lead to some understanding of who you are and where you fit into things.

Where the hell am I going with this? I don’t know. I guess I’ve been trying to carve out some sort of lifestyle that lets me hold onto my sanity and strength. To keep my shit together and stay afloat. Some means of staying focused through it all, to improve myself and adapt. I’ve always been kind of obsessed with self-improvement and trying to be the best version of myself that can possibly exist in this universe. Maybe at some point I’ll be able to better help others, too, that’d be cool.

So, things I’ve been doing, or at least trying to do this year to keep from losing myself, especially when art doesn’t seem to be working:

(oh yeah: please don't take this as me trying to tell you how you should live your life. Everyone's different. This is just what I do. Carve your own path!)

Keep a daily planner/journal: I try to keep track of how much work I do each day, what I watch, read, play, what errands I do, et cetera. I always start by listing things that I want to have accomplished by the end of the week, and crossing them out as I do them is satisfying. Writing everything down by hand rather than keeping it all in my head helps insure that I manage to be at least a little productive every day. Seeing a day in my weekly calendar that doesn’t have much of anything written down in it is a disappointment, so filling it in is a huge motivator. Something I need to try to do, that my girlfriend told me about, is to write down one good thing about every day. It could be laughing at a really funny joke, doing a good deed for someone, enjoying your lunch, anything like that. It can make a difference for your attitude.

Spend less time on the phone/social media: This is one of the most obvious things, but also one of the hardest! One of the best things I can do during work, if I can remember to, is just to leave my phone in another room. Out of sight, out of mind. Otherwise, I’m just constantly reaching for it.

Less frivolous spending: Oh man, I am so bad at this, especially considering what a hit I took paying off my jaw surgery bills. I’m doing better with my grocery shopping and eating out less, but that’s about it. I need to stop buying games I won’t play and toys I don’t have the room for. Retail therapy is a double edged sword, I’m working on it.

Mindfulness: Something I picked up from yoga is that you should try to be present in the moment, be aware of what you’re doing, aware of your surroundings and your place in them. My mind tends to meander and I forget what I’m doing, so it’s hard, but just relaxing, sitting up straight, and focusing on my breathing can really help a lot. Exercise helps, as the physicality of it all drowns out my scattered thoughts and makes me focus on my body in action. Cooking is great too. Really, just maintaining an awareness of what I’m doing and how I’m doing it.

Exercise daily: I usually would go through phases where I’d exercise for about a week or two, burn myself out, and stop altogether for a few weeks or even months. I got back into a good routine during October, going at it harder than I have all year and so far I’ve managed to keep it up almost every day. I think I’m starting to see some changes in my body, and I no longer FEEL like the odd, scrawny alien that I’ve resembled for most of my life. Not that I want to bulk up like a pro wrestler, I just want to maintain my strength and keep from turning into a useless lump. It helps me sleep better at night, too. It’s kind of become a low key obsession by this point. My issue is sometimes going at it TOO hard and being too tired to do much after work, so the trick is finding a good balance, as well as making time to-

Rest and relax: TAKE BREAKS. Stretch, take a bath, lay down and doze off to an episode of MST3K or Best of the Worst. Go for a walk outside, cook a nice meal for yourself and enjoy it, read a book. I’m also halfway through a copy of Haruki Murakami’s the Wind-Up Bird Chronicle that I picked up at a little used bookshop in Charleston. Reading that, it feels like the world slows down to breathe with me. Taking a few minutes here and there with Duolingo to learn some Japanese or brush up on my Spanish has been rewarding too. Videogames generally don’t help here, nor does looking at social media.

Less self-deprecation: This one’s from David Brothers, which I wrote on the whiteboard next to me in my room. I’m a very insecure person, confidence comes and goes in waves, and I realized, especially during cons, that beating myself up doesn’t help. Pointing out the flaws in my work when I’m trying to sell it is STUPID. And, well, people are attracted to confidence.

Don’t put off errands: If something needs to be done, just do it. Putting things off just brings more stress. Don’t try to tackle your entire to-do list in one fell swoop, spread them out through the day or week. Letting my dishes pile up is an awful feeling, so I try to do them every couple of days, usually when I need a break from working or something else.

No drugs or tobacco, little alcohol: I think I’m the only kid that the D.A.R.E. program worked on. Never have done drugs, don’t plan on starting anytime soon. I know marijuana has its uses for pain relief, stress relief, and more, but it’s not for me or my allergies and the smell itself is just the worst. Booze is kind of expensive, so I tend to only drink socially, and even then I try not to drink enough to get drunk. I have a low tolerance for drunk people and don’t want to become one myself. I hate that feeling, honestly, of not being in full control of your own body.

Nudism: Hahahahahahaha oh god I’m a weirdo, but for real, this is my Thing now, and honestly has been for most of my life. Clothes can feel stifling and suffocating a lot of times for me. Nudity helps me relax, my brain calms down, and in social situations (obviously making sure that whoever's present is okay with it), it makes me a little less anxious. It helps me just...be myself and feel more open, and not worry about hiding anything. And being nude outdoors feels great and helps me feel more aware of the environment I live in. I keep wondering if it’s a sign of mental illness, but I can’t find any evidence to support that. I also feel like I talk about it too much, which is in part because I’m still trying to articulate what it means to my identity and all, I guess? It’s something to be mindful of. And well, the temperatures dropping has really messed with this too, which...honestly sucks.

Go outside more often: I’ve been trying to make more trips to one of the local parks to walk around. I used to take a sketchbook with me so I could sit and doodle, but not so much this year. I don’t listen to music or anything either, I just want to surround myself with nature and quiet and just relax. And uh, if I can get naked, too? Even better. But now it’s getting colder and it gets dark way too early and that kind of hurts. It literally feels draining sometimes, and I haven’t worked out how to deal with that yet, but hope to soon.

Draw strength from your surroundings: This is a line from a song I recently heard. Your surroundings play a role in your mood. Decorate your home with things that inspire you. Keep it tidy (again, don’t put off errands like cleaning) because a messy place can be stressful. It’s easier to sit down and get work done drawing or painting if everything is organized and I don’t have to shove things aside or rearrange. Going outside is a part of this too, there’s so much out there to draw inspiration and ideas from.

As far as that other aspect of that photo, of giving yourself to something bigger than you...that thing, for me, is art, and even when I’m not working on something of my own, I can still do things like encourage people to visit local galleries, sharing art that inspires me, things like that. I guess that’s something I address in Debris Field too, the fact that everything we do DOES contribute to something bigger than we are, that we are a part of, and that we should take care and consider what it is we contribute.

Uh...how do I conclude this? I dunno. Things come in waves. I may not feel like drawing or doing much right now, but it’ll pass, and at least I’ve got other things to focus on until my motivation returns. For the most part, I think I’m just gonna hang back this month, rest, get a better perspective on how absurd this year has been, and start planning my next steps. I’ll leave you with another piece of wisdom from David Brothers and Duke Togo: