It’s really weird how we collectively experienced March as one long, agonizing stretch of time that never ended, only for April to pass in the blink of an eye despite nothing happening.

I mean, I certainly didn’t do much in April.

Like most sensible, sane people, my girlfriend and I have been staying in this whole time, only going out for work and for groceries. We wear masks when we have to be in public, and we refuse to see friends or have people over. With Tennessee reopened and Virginia following next week, we’re a little horrified by how many people are eager to throw caution to the wind and go back out. So yeah, the chances of us doing anything social with people any time soon are low. Maybe in late June. Probably July. And only after heavy vetting.

I did do one big thing last month: over the course of a couple of weeks, I put together a zine as a means of coming out to my parents as pansexual and non-binary. On the 18th, I put a mask on and took it to them.

It went...okay. Not bad. Awkward for sure, and I keep fixating on the more negative points when the reality is that it could've been so much worse and my relationship to them hasn't changed all that much. There are still a lot of hurdles and the ground is shaky, but I’m glad I did it. I awkwardly came out to my brothers on separate occasions, too. They took it better, and one of them straight up told me he has my back.

I don’t think there’s any way of coming out to older, conservative family members that isn’t awkward or a little scary. There’s no smooth, painless way of doing it. I made a zine for specific reasons, one of them being that it was an easier way for me to get across everything I wanted to get across without having to fumble my words out loud...but it was still pretty tense to just...sit there and watch them read it while the Tom Cruise remake of the Mummy played on TV next to us…now any time that movie comes up I feel REALLY WEIRD.

Anyways! I made the zine available to read in its entirety in a public Patreon post that you can check out here. A few people have asked about buying a copy and I feel like it’s too weirdly personal and specific of a thing to do that, but I wanted people to be able to read it nevertheless. Hopefully it can help others who are struggling with their identities or struggling to come out.

My birthday was at the end of the month, the 29th. I’m 32 now. I had cards from my parents and one of my brothers waiting for me when I went into work that day, people wished me a happy birthday on social media over the course of the day, and my girlfriend and I got burgers. For once, I really did want to be with my family, if only to see what the energy would be like after coming out, but it’s better that we didn’t see each other, I guess. Safer, I mean. It felt surreal, but I guess I just have to get used to that for now.

Online figure drawing has continued with daily poses, aside from one particular week mid-April that I decided to take a break. Participation has dipped, and some days are better than others as far as folks sharing their sketches goes, but that’s understandable with everything going on. It’s still the only art I’ve been able to do myself, aside from some fun little crafts my girlfriend got me to do with her for the children’s library. One week we made paper airplanes and colored bubble art, and on my birthday we made monster feet out of kleenex boxes.

Figure drawing is the one thing I really truly miss during this pandemic. I keep telling people I’ll continue with this online group for as long as I can, as long as we have poses from people to work with, but I’m also getting a little weary, and it just isn’t the same as having friends over, making food for them, laughing and listening to music while we draw together. Yesterday I posted a picture of a cat that someone sent me as a joke, and it was actually a wonderful change of pace, but nothing compares to actually having someone posing right in front of you.

There are so many other things I’d like to work on. There’s still so much work to do with Slimepunk. I want to do another digital painting like the Alien Queen I spent all of February on. I have other things that I’d like to do watercolor paintings of. I want to take some of the ridiculous character designs I did for a thing I did on Facebook back in March and flesh them out into real characters. I want to do something for a zine I was invited to participate in. I want to start exercising again. We got stuff so I could try making flatbread like everyone else.

I just can’t find the energy to do any of those things.

You can see in my last post, from the end of March, where I talked about just taking a break from those things and trying to relax, that one shouldn’t feel pressure to be productive during a crisis. But I’ve reached a point where I’m tired of doing nothing, and it bugs me that I don’t have it in me to do any of the above things. I’ll try to find a way to work up the spirit. I don’t know how to do that, but I’ll try to figure something out.

Until then, staying safe and healthy is the most important thing. Take care, and I’ll do the same.