I don’t remember what movie we were seeing, maybe Interstellar, but the trailer for Avengers 2 was in front of it, followed almost immediately by the trailer for Furious 7. And, maybe it’s my brain, maybe I’m weird, but Furious 7 looked way more appealing to me, not that Age of Ultron looked bad. Nobody around me agreed. Not unexpected, these movies have a reputation of being made more for jock types than your sci-fi/superhero crowd, yeah?

While I’ve gained a better appreciation for superhero blockbusters, it still exhausts me to consider that Marvel has been hammering us with two a year, with the other studios scrambling to keep up. They’re all catering for the same crowd, or at least trying to, and, well, I shouldn’t have to say anything, the internet is already littered with thinkpieces about superhero fatigue. So, in the face of all that, this trailer for Furious 7 looks like a breath of fresh air as an action movie that’s not aimed largely at nerds. And the cast! There’s Jason Statham! Tony Jaa! KURT RUSSELL! My god! I HAVE to see this!

But, well, I haven’t seen any of the other movies. I asked on Twitter if I could skip most of them or even all of them, but was told no, I should watch every single one of them. And well, I’m a firm believer in broadening your horizons and leaving your comfort zone, even if you know you’re heading in a potentially stupid direction. Why do anything halfway? So my journey began.

The Fast and the Furious, dir. Rob Cohen (2001): Here’s where it all began. I felt it was appropriate to be eating a giant greasy cheeseburger and fries while drinking as I watched this for the first time. Look at how young and baby-faced Paul Walker is! And look how even more baby-faced Vin Diesel looks! I realize I’ve never really seen any other movies with these two, as Diesel’s voice acting in the Iron Giant and Guardians of the Galaxy don’t necessarily count. Not that I appear to have been missing too much. This movie was largely what I was kind of expecting, except for the relationship building that takes place. That cookout scene, man, I just wasn’t expecting this huge emphasis on Dominic’s team being this tight knit family that they were slowly letting Brian into, even if it was in the dumbest way. So much homoerotic tension, I was legitimately disappointed at the end of the movie that those two didn’t kiss goodbye before parting ways. What a loss.

The very first race is supposed to a 10 second, quarter mile shot, but it goes for over 2 minutes and the vehicles reach impossible speeds, so you know just moments into the movie how things are going to work. Dumb as it is, this movie is nicely shot. Editing gets weird in places, especially during the house party, though. What shocked me was when it briefly took on the language of a horror movie, when Vince catches Brian sneaking around, and then Dom emerges from the shadows like Jason Vorhees or something. Even better was their final heist, when the truck driver they’re trying to rob pulls a shotgun and things quickly go sideways. It’s like the movie suddenly became some alternate universe sequel to Steven Spielberg’s Duel. That was riveting. I wish there had been more of that and less of the macho posturing and racing silliness.

2 Fast 2 Furious, dir. John Singleton (2003): Still remains one of the silliest titles for a movie, but then this is from the director of the classic Boyz N the Hood, so he’s no stranger to unusual spelling. This movie jettisons Vin Diesel in favor of the much more charismatic Tyrese Gibson and cranks the volume up. Eva Mendez subs in as Brian’s new love interest, but just like Jordana Brewster in the first film, their relationship means nothing next to bromance. I guess these movies stick hard to the saying “bros before hos.”

Everything got cranked up here, and reminded me of all the racing games I played on my Playstation as a kid. I had Destruction Derby and rented the Need For Speeds all the time, and there are elements of both in this one. With the colors and everything, I get this feeling that maybe the Wachowskis lifted some of the visual language going on here when they made Speed Racer. What really surprised me were the little nods to Michael Mann and Brian De Palma scattered throughout. Makes sense given the Miami setting, actually. It was just jarring for a movie that’s basically a loud cartoon to suddenly, unexpectedly veer into some dark territory from time to time. In the end, it’s still a cartoon, but a fun one all the same.

The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift, dir. Justin Lin (2006): Ah, the nadir of the series. I wasn’t looking forward to this given its reputation. Lucas Black, who even is this guy? I haven’t seen anything this kid’s in. He doesn’t have Vin Diesel’s physical presence, he’s not as pretty as Paul Walker, and his Alabama accent makes me want to drive sharp objects into my ears. There is nothing likeable about this guy. At all. Not a single thing. And then there’s Bow Wow, a name I hadn’t thought about since middle school, before he ditched the Li’l in his name. Why is his character named Twinkie? His Hulk obsession is neat, I guess, but there’s nothing in this movie for him to do. Same for Nathalie Kelley, the romantic lead in this. The women’s roles just keep getting more and more paper thin.

The one saving grace the cast has is the bewildering appearances by Sonny Chiba. When he shows up on screen, his presence is immediate, and the movie undergoes a tonal shift towards the gritty older movies he made his name with. The movie flirts around with characters who may or may not be Yakuza, and if they’d dialed back the lousy Karate Kid ripoff tone and pushed more on the crime elements, that could have maybe saved this movie. Maybe. I guess you’d have to kill half the cast in the first act to really pull things out of the mire.

The action’s good though. You know how with some Godzilla movies, you just have to put up with the human drama and dumb plot to get to the giant monster carnage? This movie is like that, you just grit your teeth and shake your head at the awful dialogue and terrible performances to get to the vehicle on vehicle carnage. I mean, all of them so far have been like that, but this is where I really noticed. It’s interesting to see the way the car stuff in the movies progresses, too. The races in the first film are all straight shots, just making it from one end of the line to the next, the heists take place on highways. 2 Fast introduces the incredible concept of turns and ramps, the first and final car scenes ending with Brian throwing his car into the air. This one introduces us westerners to drift racing, and there’s a chase towards the end through the streets of a heavily populated Tokyo, bystanders all around, that’s really thrilling and has a nasty ending.  I see why Justin Lin was brought back to direct the next three, let’s just hope he has better material to work with.

So yeah, I’ve yet to watch the next three, but I’ll write about them too. I’m committed at this point, and honestly a little surprised by how engaged I’ve been with them. I can feel my teenage self sneering at me from the past as I type this. I’m having fun. I guess there’s a reason there are seven of these things.